1月1日2017年 nekkid art hoe

I hope everyone had a fabulous New Years and wasnt too hungover lmao.
I woke up this morning, warm sun rays sprawled across my bed♡ I began thinking about my 2017 reflections...mainly about my journey to self love and self acceptance. Its a tough journey honestly, and it doesnt help that my confidence comes and goes lmao. but I'm fuckin tryin so hard yall.

anyway, I had my wake & bake session, and started looking at my body.
I mean really look at my body. The sun rays were highlighting every stretch mark, every bump and curve. I got to see my body in such a different light. It was a really magical moment yall lolol. 
I decided to do something radical. Some shit I almost never do. I took pics of my naked body...for me. Usually when I take nudes, its for someone else and I take so many before I decided on ONE to actually to send to them. I'm really my worst critic about my body. I have never just took a picture of my naked body and appreciate it for the way it is.

I felt loved by taking these. I felt appreciated. admired. I felt so damn liberated. Just a simple task could make me feel so damn good. 
It was crazy haha. I saw my body in a different light and made me love it even more. stretch marks, peach fuzz, cellulite, scars and all♡

I felt so confident, I also uploaded some of these to my Instagram! 
I see skinny nekkid artsy bitches on my feed all the time. my little chunky photos won't hurt anybody lmfao. If anything, I hope it inspires my fellow big thicc sisters and they absorb the confidence from these photos♡

I feel free af yall, I'm riding this feeling all 2018.
oh yeah and I can officially put my hair in pony tails lmfaooo


12月31日 ☆2017 Reflections☆

I remember the last super moon of 2016. I casted a spell and set my intentions for 2017. 
A year later and (most) of my intentions were set into existence. Isn't magic amazing?
Its super important to set intentions for the new year, and I will definitely have mine ready! Before I get into that, I want to reflect on this year...this fuckin year lmao. so much heart break and so much growth.

Well I entered 2017 heartbroken. Crushed. Confidence completely gone. I had my intentions already casted, but this breakup was a fuckin doozy. There was a lot going on with Sean and I.
Ultimately he decided he couldn't handle being in a relationship anymore. I felt so rejected, and misunderstood. I walked away from that relationship completely terrified to ever open up to someone ever again. I left with the feeling that I'll always be alone because of my anxiety and depression. That I'll never be good enough.
After that, I tried dating one more time but that shit didn't last long. So I spent the rest of 2017 alone. No dates, no hookups. Completely alone. I needed to focus on myself, my mental health, and my overall happiness. As a gift to myself, I bought a promise ring.

With this ring, I promised myself I would never give my heart to another person until I learn to love myself unconditionally. That includes all of me, my ugly sides and everything. 
The path to self love is a hard ass journey..somedays are harder than others...but if I can't learn to understand my struggles, how can I expect anyone else to? Theres no power like knowing yourself in and out. I mean really knowing yourself... I lost that power, but gaining it back more and more every day.

To save myself from rambling, here is a list of things I have learned in 2017!
In 2017, I learned:
☆Never beg someone for the love I deserve.
☆Know my worth. Know my power.
☆Believe in my own magik
☆I am the master of my own universe.
☆To be patient with myself.
☆How to really practice mindfulness

my main goal(s) for 2018:
☆Get my license+car so I can explore beautiful ass Oregon
☆be a better friend to my loves

Tonight I will be praying and casting out new intentions for 2018. It shall be a prosperous year for me. 

So mote it be


12月20日♧Mary Jane Holland♧

what up babes!

Today I went weedy weed shopping!
I usually go to Chalice Farms, but I wanted to try another dispensary and this one was a lil closer to my house!

this place was called COLA•COVE
the place was really nice, very clean, lots of space to sit back and chill, and they even had a fucking iguana in there lolol.

the associates were really knowledgeable about their shit and really helped me pick out some good shit.

I got 2 joints for $10 (OG kush & gorilla snacks), and an 8th of crater kush. the crater is a strong indica hyrbrid, while the joints were strong sativa hybrids!
anyway they gave me a lil 10% discount today, i snagged some stickers, and they gave me a cute  bottle opener hahah.
overall its good ass weed, good prices, very chill atmosphere, good ass selection too. I will be back for sure!

Oh yeah and I stopped by h▪mart and got my mochi fix♡

taro & guava, my fav flavor!


12月19日•Time casts a spell on you but you won't forget me•

So I don't think I mentioned this, but I'm back with my ex.
You know the one.
The one who broke up with me last year on NYE.

Yea him.
After he broke up with me, I was officially done with him. I told myself I can't keep doing this shit with him. Going back and forth. One day he wants me, the next he can't handle being in a relationship. The breakup itself wasn't that bad, but it fucked me up a great deal.
I think I took the breakup so badly because I didnt think sean would leave me so soon. I thought he really changed.. I didnt think he would just give up on US so quickly. He abandoned ship quick af. And that left me feeling insecure as fuck because he fed me lies about wanting to marry me, and do all this shit with me. 
And it just made me feel worse cus if sean left the relationship so soon, how could I trust his hand in marriage. How could I trust anything he say? It just increased my fear of long term commitment honestly. I wish we would have talked things out more back then, we would have still been together tbh. I feel like this breakup made my anxiety WORSE because now I'm always on edge. I'm always worrying if he's okay, if I made him mad, if I'm saying the wrong thing. I'm so terrified of upsetting him because I'm afraid He'll just leave me like he has done in the past.

So I spent the rest of the year single pretty much. No intimacy, no physical contact. I think I grew a fear of intimacy because of this honestly. I associate love and sex with abandonment, and betrayal. (And in some ways a feeling that I don't deserve love because I'm so fucked up, but also feeling men don't deserve me because I'm so amazing and my pun pun is fuego)
Conflicted feelings for SURE lmaooo.

But yeah he spent the rest of the year chasing women that will never replace me, never BE me. And he knew that deep down. He spent this year reflecting on himself, his actions, attitude, etc. 
I had his # blocked, blocked on all social media, even blocked on my PS4. Yet he still left me lonely drunken voicemails late at night. He even bought jewelry from me just to get my attention. But I wasn't having any of that shit. He really fuckin hurt me yall...And I was not about to let him back in my life.

Eventually I moved to Portland, and he was bummed about it. He didn't actually think I would move (no one did tbh). 
After I moved, I felt it was safe to talk to him again. So he would message me here and there. Send me Snapchats. I was more curious about the kids and how they were doing, so he would send me updates about them (I really did miss them). The thing that broke my heart the most was when he told me that his daughter drew a picture of me. He hasn't mentioned me around them for a while, so he was shocked to see her draw me. Shit I WAS SHOCKED. I didn't think they remembered me or I made an impact on them, but I guess I fucking did???

Anyway we talked more, each day he slithered his way more and more back into my life and opened my heart to him again. I was so fucking hesitant. Hell, I still am hesitant. There are days where I just say fuck everything and recluse, but he has been doing a good job of reassuring me. I told him he has a lot of work to do with me. He has a lot to prove. And this won't be easy. If anything it'll be harder because he crushed any ounce of trust I had left in him. So he has to earn my trust ALL OVER AGAIN.

I have been seeing a therapist since I've been out here too to help me unscramble all this anxiety and depression in my head. 
Some days are easier than most. I just take it day by day with him. I still love him....tremendously. And I love his kids terribly. 
I thought I was over him but I'm clearly not.
There's something about him that fucks my heart uppp. We are officially back together, keep your fingers crossed & wish me luck babes! I'm gonna need it☆

♡Ps. I will add to this post if I think of more shit to include.


12月5日▪Time to get serious▪

What up my skankeroni's!👽
Soo as you all know, I moved to Portland, OR!
I've been here since September, and I started to notice I've been losing weight...
Not even intentionally though thats the crazy part!
Since I've been living on my own, I make all my meals. I rarely go out to restaraunts/fast food spots. I maybe eat out like 1x week? Or 1x every other week? Not too bad! I also cut out beef and pork, so I only eat chicken and tofu lol. I also still don't have a car, so i walk or take public transportation everywhere! So I'm sure that attributed to the weight loss lol.
But yeah I'm pretty stoked I'm losing weight, so I decided to join a weight loss program and get serious about shedding these pounds! 
Before i moved to portland, I was 256lbs. Thats the most I have ever fucking weighed. But I dont feel like I've gained weight!

Anyway when I did my first weigh in at the doctor's, I was 246lbs! I couldn't believe the scale! I know 10 lbs isnt a lot to yall but to me it is a big achievement! Especially since I haven't even been trying to lose weight! During my second weigh in, I am now at 243lbs!! 
After that, I was inspired to get a gym membership to really commit to this get fit journey! So I joined a local planet fitness! I work out 3x week & do home workouts 2x a week. Due to my busy work schedule, I have just enough time to squeeze in 1hr30m workout! I feel so refreshed after my workouts, and it really helps my overall mood💚
So yes bich! Ya girl is getting fit! (Trying to lmfaoo) my current weight is 243lbs, and my goal weight is 170lbs! 
I'll be posting body progress pics too lol!

If you all have any weight loss/fitness tips hit me up! Thanks for reading! Love yall💘👽💘


12月3日✚queer craft event!✚

hey babes!
coming at you with ANOTHER update! I told yall I'm not playin with this blog lol.
soo this weekend I have been feeling kinda down, so my good friend Jupiter got me out of the house!
We all went to the queer craft event in portland!

this craft event was hosted in this feminist communiter center which is pretty fuckin cool.
It was only this weekend, but each day had different artists and vendors.

It was so many dope ass queer femmes yall! all good vibes honestly.
They even had food!
 I even got to meet the artist behind these dope ass prints omfg.
I remember first seeing this artwork on fb and thought to myself "damn this is some dope ass shit"
I made their ass blush and shit cus i was so hype lmfao.

yall KNOW I had to get some of my own lol

their business card!

 this vendor had fucking herbal blends, home made smudge sticks, and all other kinds of witchy shit.
i was in heaven.
 there was a witch in there givin readings toooooo
&& i collected some more business cards from my fav people

 It was really nice, and I wanna go back and check out that community center during other events💙
after the event, we met up with more friends & went to stella tacos (really good ass fuckin food)
 we were all sharing tattoo stories and one of my friend's had THIS PIECE!!!

cute lil canned wine hahah

but yeah overall it was pretty dope. I'm really glad to meet everyone and to go to this dope ass event
and be inspired by these artists and their craft!
 👽fashion post👽


I know wtf yall are thinking...
*where the fuck has this bitch been!?*
I know I said I would keep this blog alive, but my life hasn't been hype enough for blog posts!
And I like never actually make time to blog. 
WELL ALL THAT IS CHANGING! I refuse to let this blog die. I will keep yall updated on my wack ass life as much as possible hahah
Lets see...the last time I posted was NYE lmfaooo. so much bullshit has happened since then.
let me fill yall in with this short lil timeline. So sit back, get ya cups ready for this tea 🍵

 sooo beginning of january, I reconnected with my <at the time> friend Murphy 
and took a trip to mf PORTLAND OREGON.
It was pretty cool, and snowed when I was there!
Apparently Portland drivers freak tf out when it snows, so we had to be extra careful and shit...
I smoked a dab for the first time lmfao (am i even saying it right? "smoking a dab??")
whatever yall know wtf I'm talkin about. i smoked cannabis oil/wax shit lol.
my ass was pretty much high the whole trip. I didnt get to explore as much as I wanted to, but I got to visit multnomah falls, go thrifting, check out some good ass food trucks and shit.
It was cool to catch up with Murphy as well...but that shit ended quick LMAO
*keep reading for more tea*
portland has a whole ass parking lot food truck restaraunt style areas yo. with seats, condiment station, stage for live music and shit lol
skeezing @ multnomah falls
we went to finger bang! really popular nail salon in portland

alright niggies so after I came back from my trip to portland,
I spent some *intimate* time with my ex lmfaooo
we did the shabambam, and said our goodbyes.
(remember he broke up with me NEW YEARS EVE)
so yes my stupid ass went and got the dicking from him.
He really wanted to get back with me but I couldnt allow him to break my heart again.
so we went our seperate ways for the rest of the year lmao
GOOD NEWS THO! To celebrate me being single, I planned a lil valentines weekend thing
with my gang💲
 we did our usual ratchet activities, karaoke, dinner vidya games, etc

 and drunk ass parapara where i tried to dance in platforms and
damn near broke my fuckin ankle

on actual vday, we went to a fancy dinner together<3 the food was B O M B💣

alright so we're just gonna jumble marchaprilmay into one mini post cus the shit was ugly ok.
so around March, I started talkin to this skeez ass nigga who low key looked like my ex <kill me>
the sex was aiight, but he was high key a lame.
I felt like I couldn't be myself around him, so I had to break up with him.
(that nigga also had a bald spot and yall know how I feel about male pattern baldness 😆)
I dont even have any pics of him cus i deleted all that shit with the quickness.

I also spent good quality time with the sniggies

this was when I went and bought RE7 for dan lmfaooo
we were so hype, we stayed up playing tf out of this game
I cant remember when but lori came back to shitcago for more sniggie shenanigans!

 I low key forgot what we did that weekend but
we was cute af the whole time <3

I didn't cosplay but aniki did!
I was my usual drunk self :D

I didnt take many pics that night, I think my fuckin phone died (as usual lmao)
but it was usual acen ratchetry. We shopped, hung out with new niggas, smoked a bunch of weed, and vibed. I do remember trying to holler at this one guy, but my drunk ass was too shy and dont know how to fucking flirt.

so for my birthday, I took another trip to Portland.
(around this time, I was preparing to move up there)
It was a good time to be up there, the weather was beautiful.
I got to explore a lil more! Murphy and I even took a trip to
Lincoln City where we hung out at the beach and got to see haystock rock! 
it was breathtaking tbh. yall know how much I fucking LOVE the beach

 I found an actual fucking sand dollar yo, such a lucky day!
 I feel so at peace when I'm with the ocean.
Its just me and her, everything else disappears🌊

 I also got to do some REAL ASS HIKING TOO!
ugh omfg it was so fucking great.

 This was at Latourell falls, possibly the most beautiful and peaceful space everrr

 now yall KNOW I dont fuck with heights lmao.
But I did it bitch. I climbed and hiked to the top of this waterfall.

Also got to try more good food spots, and explore lil bars and shit
hahah this place was so wonderfully tacky. I live for tacky decorations <3
 & got to shower Alkina with my love
After this trip, I knew in my heart I wanted to move here.
So I started REALLY planning.
*heres where that teacup comes in handy from earlier lmao*
So Murphy and I agreed that I could move in with her for a bit until I
find my own place right? We were geeked, hyped! I started shipping my boxes
up there and everything.
so fast forward to SUMMER TIME
my hair was cute af this summer! I had like 3 sets of dreads this year I think.
I had the dark green dread set, the brown ones, and the black set with the cowrie shells...
and my last set back in october....shit make that 4 sets LOL.
anyway I was cute af right, still single af. no dick. no nothing.

After the shit that happened with the last nigga I talked to, I reeeeally decided to lay low, and stop givin these niggas my love and time.
However, I still remained good friends with my ex Dril.
(I broke up with this nigga a long ass time ago, he has tried to get back together but respects that our chapter is at its end)
He really wanted to hang out one last time before my big move to Portland,
but my work schedule was so damn tight this summer. I couldn't afford to go out,
I was too focused on saving money for this trip.
But I did make time to hangout with him a lil bit.
We hung out with his old teacher who is also a photographer, and had a photoshoot that day!
 lolol this nigga thought he was cute
 It was a fun day though, hot as balls outside too🔥
He did get in his feelings that day, sadly. But hes all good now lmao 

*more summer memories*
I went to a Dead & Co. concert at Wrigleyfield too!
holy shit lmfao
 I have never been so high in my fuckin life

this summer was hot as BALLS! I did have a wig on, but I took that shit tf OFF 
and just rocked my fro lmfaooo.
The show was cool though, the music was aiight, but the fucking fans...omfg
they were the wildest bunch. We got free acid from this old ass lady.
I tried acid for the first time yall...
At first It was great! I was giggling and being goofy as hell, laughin and shit.
but bitch as soon as I got HOME, that acid really settled the fuck IN.
I was tripping so bad, I couldnt go to fucking sleep. everytime i tried, my dreams
would be all distorted and fucking weird. I just remember cuddling with michonne, squeezing her for dear life trying to grab hold of reality again and watching golden girls lmfaooo.
I stayed up the whole fuckin night...
the next day I was STILL high. I started freaking out, thinking im gonna permanently be this high for the rest of my life lmfaooo. I remember texting dril and panicking. he was like "just smoke some weed, you'll be fine."
and thats exactly what I did lmfaooo. I smoked, watched Okja with my nephew and eventually I knocked tf out. When I woke up I was so glad to be normal again. 
So yeah neverrr everrrr taking acid again. I was more pissed at Murphy cus her ass didnt tell me any of the side effects, or how long the acid would last. im thinking acid is like weed, it lasts a couple of hours. no bitch acid lasts like 8-12 hours. I WAS NOT READY LMFAO
that was basically my summer hahaha. 
okay so after hangin out with murphy and her wack ass bf at the grateful dead show,
thats when shit went downhill.
So at this point, plans are set in stone. im moving to portland. tickets purchased. i even purchased
lambchop's ticket my nigga. i was r e a d y!
sooooo Kody's (murphy's bf) best friend added me on fb around this time.
hes a white boy. with dreadlocks. thats all the information you need about his friend LMAO.
anyway so he added me on fb right.
now yall KNOW the shit I post on my page right looool
anyway, I posted an article about white ppl wearing dreadlocks and culture appropriation.
He saw that fuckin post and got so fuckin offended!!!!
He showed Kody and Murphy and threw a fit. Kody blew the fuck up and was like "wtf tomo is a racist!!!"
apparently he was so fuckin upset about this article that his ass never read, they argued about this shit for weeks. he had a whole ass attitude towards murphy for a long ass time lmaoo. it was a mess
she text me like:
murphy: kody is pissed
me: ok and?
murphy: he just doesnt understand...maybe you can call him and explain?
bitch first of all. thats not my man. i dont owe him SHIT. how about YOU fuckin explain it to him.
I dont expect him to fuckin get it tbh. hes white.
i wish i kept screen shots but they are on my old phone lmfaooo
but it was so fuckin messy. basically this fool was so pissed at this article i posted THAT HE HASNT EVEN READ BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE FACEBOOK, he told murphy i cant move in with them LMFAOOO.
keep in mind she told me this shit THE BEGINNING OF AUGUST. I WAS SET TO MOVE IN AT THE END OF AUGUST!!!!!
I was so pissed. like why didnt you have my back? why didnt you speak up? this isnt his fuckin house. its YOUR house too. your voice matters bitch. but no her ass didnt say shit.
so after that shit, i decided to lay low and leave her alone. i had to quickly find a place to stay before the end of fuckin august lmfaoo.
literally like a couple days after she tells me i cant stay with them, she text me talkin about
murphy: omg we should plan a trip to disney world!
me: bitch....with what money?
lmfao like how rude.
anyfucking way, she got mad that I wasnt cool with her ass anymore.
(like honestly would you be cool with someone after this shit?)
so she call herself tellin me off and being "done with me"
....okay bich bye✌

I officially moved to Portland and moved into my first apartment!
At first I was feeling really homesick and overwhelmed,
but once I started working and exploring on my own, I felt more comfortable
 I explored local thrift stores and found some cute treasures for my lil apartment💚
eventually my space got to feel more and more like home!

 lol my living room looks a lil different now

My little nest 💗💗

 my living room currently lol!
 my latest diy project was this! I have always loved Georgia Okeeffe and wanted a wall dedicated to her. So I ordered these prints, went out searching for the perfect frames, painted them ALL too!
it was fun! I plan on adding a couple Khalo prints and more femme/queer paintings and shit.
I also found this old wooden table chillin by the dumpster, and decided to bring it home with me!
I cleaned it and repainted it!
so yeah! my apartment is coming together slowly!
I've been out here ever since!!!

💛other recent events💛
In October, I went to Jamaica for my brother's wedding!
it felt really good to be back home and see my family and MICHONNE!!!
She snuggled with me the whole fucking night ;0;
the next morning I had to be up at 5am to catch this flight to montego bayyyy!

 I forgot the name of the resort we were on, but it was beautiful
 as soon as we landed, we started drinking lmfaooo

 the ceremony was beautiful, short and sweet. ya girl definitely cried

 and the fuckin food my nigga...omfg i ate SO MUCH!
I finally got to try ackee!
 after the wedding, I left the resort and got to explore the city and countryside

this place was breathtaking, we went up in the fuckin mountains and shitt

 Our tour guide was fuckin awesome, he took us everywhereeee
 i honestly didnt want to go back home...i didnt realize how much i missed my family :c


I promise I will try to update as much as I can hahaha